Joseph

December 26, 2010: live birth

Gestational age: 22 weeks

Date Joseph died: December 26, 2010

Mother: Maria

Siblings: Unnamed (abortion), Mattox age 12, Kaiden age 9, Unnamed (miscarriage), Sena age almost 3

Joseph’s story: In short this was my fourth pregnancy, I had an abortion when I was younger, then later on I had Mattox in 2006 and Kaiden in 2008, Found out we were pregnant to Joseph in 2010, all was well until I went to pick up my son one day from the car seat and felt a tear, a tug of something, I started to spot and figured it was normal, but to calm my nerves I went to the hospital to make sure, doctors all said everything was good, baby’s was still there and comfortable this was around 8 weeks, after that day the nightmares began.

I would wake up from my sleep in a pool of blood, I would go sit on the toilet thinking that I would loose the pregnancy and nothing, just blood.

I was admitted to the hospital almost every two weeks because of my bleeding. To the point where they would transfuse me because I was loosing a lot of blood. They would send me right back home on bed rest and couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

My gyno, at that time, just brushed off the complications and told me I’m young, that if I loose the pregnancy, I can have another one.

Well that was the last time I saw him. I switched OBs and then after the last blood bath, I was admitted to the hospital and I remained there for almost a month, being transfused and hooked up to monitors. Everyday I would hear my little mans heart beat, strong, 166 … never dropped, never faltered.

The day came when my own blood work came back and the doctors feared for my life. I was slowly dying because my body was preserving the baby and keeping him strong. How amazing that our bodies can even do that.

Well they decided it was time to terminate the pregnancy because I was no longer able to hold on.

I couldn’t make that decision, this was my baby, my heart beat I heard for weeks on end, loud and strong. How could this be the end??

As the doctors left my room I prayed that something would happen, anything for them not to make me take that decision. Well, the universe heard my pleas and I went into labor within the half hour they visited me.

My body was tired and weak and was no longer able to hold on.

They had to rush me into surgery because they had to stop the main arteries in the legs so I don’t bleed out during the delivery.

I remember lights and cold tables, they had to use an X-ray machine to find the arteries, then I was rushed to the delivery room.

The doctor there was so kind and forward about my situation, he said because of Joseph’s age they would not be able to help him. His lungs would have been under developed and he would have many complications, so in our province they don’t have to touch the baby if it is born before 24 weeks. 24 weeks would be a viable gestation period. Not before.

The last things I can truly remember were being torn between holding him and having them take him away. I decided I needed to feel him and thank goodness I did, he was beautiful. Looked exactly like his older brother. They had him wrapped in blankets and wouldn’t let me have him on my skin.

As they took him away that was the last time I saw him.

Family came to visit and meet him, my husband at the time would go and look at him and touch him, but I was bed ridden. I couldn’t move. I was drugged and weak, I was high and don’t remember everything real. Or maybe it was. I felt like I was in a dream.

I finally left the hospital 4 days later with a box. A box they give you with his little hat and blanky and a few pictures they took of him. I don’t have a grave to visit, all I have is that box.

I fell into a depression and hated my husband, I felt like it was his fault and also he didn’t do anything to have me spend more time with Joseph. He felt like it was best I didn’t see him.

How I wish I could see him….

A year after my loss I decided to end my marriage and start a new life. I needed to find me again. I needed to forgive myself and find forgiveness for my husband.

About two years later I met a man and he made my heart skip again, I felt alive again and today we have our baby girl. It’s wasn’t easy having another baby, I lost another pregnancy right before my Sena almost a year to the day, at 8 weeks. But then we got pregnant to Sena James. I am almost 3 years postpartum and it has been a struggle, it took months before I could actually connect to her, I felt guilt, I felt like I was betraying the love I had for the child I lost. But today it is better. It gets better everyday, I have myself back again. Some days can get dark but I know that there is light at the end of the darkness, hope is just in the other side.